


Process

by patchfire, raving_liberal



Series: Third-Degree Felony [2]
Category: Glee
Genre: Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Past Sexual Abuse, References to Underage Prostitution, Therapy, Trauma Recovery, Triggers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-02
Updated: 2015-01-02
Packaged: 2018-03-05 00:23:48
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,447
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3098084
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/patchfire/pseuds/patchfire, https://archiveofourown.org/users/raving_liberal/pseuds/raving_liberal
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Puck doesn't like feeling like he can't.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Process

**Author's Note:**

> This story is about Puck's journey of recovery and rewriting how he feels about himself and the way he connects physically and intimately with another person. It isn't prescribing a specific or "right" path for processing sexual trauma, nor is it fetishizing trauma recovery. It is also an attempt to acknowledge the difficulty in finding good professional therapeutic support for male victims of sexual assault or exploitation. We would really appreciate readers refraining from leaving "that's so hot"-type comments on this work. Thank you!

Near the middle of spring semester of sophomore year, Mr. Yoder starts talking about goals, and how Puck should develop some long-term goals, then break them down into short-term goals and things Mr. Yoder calls ‘action steps’ that just look like a to-do list to Puck. Mr. Yoder mentions how goals need deadlines and other stuff, and Puck half-pays attention to Mr. Yoder’s suggestions about making football-related goals and school-related goals and glee club-related goals, because his mind is on a different track: sex-related goals. 

Because Puck feels like he’s still stuck exactly where he was in December, even though he doesn’t want to be, and a few nights later, in the shower, Puck decides on a deadline and a goal, specifically worded. Mr. Yoder would be proud, Puck thinks, then snorts. He doesn’t think he’ll tell Mr. Yoder about this particular goal. In fact, he decides not to tell anyone about the goal, not even Finn, because what if he misses his own deadline of prom, junior year? Then he’d be letting down Finn, too; better if Finn doesn’t know about it.

This is something he really _wants_ , something that keeps coming up in his mind, so it’s actually pretty easy to make short-term goals and all of that. Puck towels off and puts on his boxers, like he always does, and he waits until he’s already in bed, Finn about to turn off the overhead light, before he says anything. 

“Take your shirt off?”

Finn pauses with his hand on the light switch. “Are you sure?”

“Yeah. I’m sure,” Puck says, as firmly as he can. 

“You want me to turn the lights out first?” Finn asks. Puck shakes his head. “Okay.” Finn pulls his t-shirt over his head, then stands by the switch with the shirt still in his hand. 

Puck looks at him for several seconds. They undress and change in front of each other, but it feels different, and Puck doesn’t usually _let_ himself just look. Staring at Finn reminds Puck that he does want Finn, and after the seconds pass, he nods a little. 

“Come here.” 

“You want me to turn the lights out now?”

“Yeah, I think so,” Puck says, nodding again. 

“Okay,” Finn says, flipping the switch off before walking over to the bed, sitting down on the edge, still holding his shirt in his hands. 

Puck stretches out his hand, putting it on Finn’s back and leaving it still for at least a full minute before starting to move it slowly up. He puts his other hand on Finn’s side, and when Puck’s hand reaches Finn’s shoulders, he rubs his thumb across between Finn’s shoulder blades. “Lie down with me?” 

“Okay,” Finn says softly. He scoots back on the bed to his side, moving the covers out of the way so he can slide under them. He leaves his shirt on top of the blanket, near his hand. Puck rolls closer, putting one arm across Finn’s chest, and he closes his eyes, concentrating on how his arm moves just a little with each breath Finn takes. Finn holds completely still, other than the rise and fall of his chest as he breathes. 

“You can, I don’t know. Put your arms somewhere,” Puck says, moving even closer to Finn. Finn shifts slightly, rolling towards Puck and slipping one arm under him, resting his other hand on Puck’s side. 

“Is that okay?” Finn asks. “I don’t want to do anything you don’t want.”

“I _want_ you. Don’t doubt that,” Puck says with a snort. “It’s definitely okay.” He puts his head down on Finn’s upper arm and takes a deep breath. “We should do this now.” 

“Okay,” Finn says. “This-this?”

“Yeah. At night,” Puck says, taking another deep breath, more to smell Finn than any kind of calming thing. “Your skin’s warm.” 

“You like it?”

“Yeah.” Puck lies there quietly for long enough that he’s not sure if Finn’s still awake. “I like you.” 

“Yeah,” Finn says, his voice barely loud enough for Puck to hear. “I like you, too.”

Puck smiles to himself and falls asleep that way, and when the alarm goes off the next morning, he’s still lying in Finn’s arms. It’s not so tight that he could feel trapped, but it’s tight enough that Puck feels just a little safer than usual. He’s still not sure why he feels so unsafe most of the time, because it doesn’t seem like that should be his response, but Mr. Yoder says everyone reacts differently to various types of trauma. 

“Morning,” Puck says. He puts his hand on Finn’s chest and spreads his finger wide, feeling maybe a little unreasonably proud. 

“Hey,” Finn says. “How’d you sleep?”

“Good. Really good.” Even though the alarm’s already gone off, Puck leaves his hand on Finn and doesn’t try to move. They lie there until Carole knocks on the door and says they’re going to be late, and Puck makes a face. “Thanks,” he says softly. 

“You don’t have to thank me for that. I wanted to do that,” Finn says. 

“Not _just_ that. Being patient. Everything.” 

“ _Still_ not something you need to thank me for.”

“Oh yeah?” Puck sits up slowly, grinning a little. “You want me to take you for granted?” 

“Well, yeah,” Finn says. “’Cause that means you know I’m always here no matter what.”

Puck shakes his head and kisses Finn before standing up. “Yeah,” he says as he pulls on a t-shirt. “I love you too.” 

Sleeping with both of them shirtless is their new normal for a few weeks, Puck usually moving even closer to Finn in his sleep, until it’s almost automatic to lie down and press against Finn’s chest. Puck waits until it’s spring break before he even thinks about more changes, and then it’s still two days into it before he does. 

He waits until they’re already lying down, his head on Finn’s upper arm and his arm around Finn, to say anything. “I want you to try something for me.” 

“Okay,” Finn says. “What kind of something?”

“Can I take your boxers off?” 

“If you— you’re _sure_?” Finn asks. 

“I need to,” Puck says, and he moves his hand to Finn’s hip, resting it over his waistband. “I want to.” 

“You know we don’t have to do that kind of stuff, though, right?” Finn says. “If you’re not ready. We don’t _ever_ have to, if you’re not ready.”

“I know what you’re saying, but I don’t like feeling like I can’t,” Puck admits. He puts his other hand on the waistband of Finn’s boxers too, not moving his hands otherwise. 

“Okay. If you’re sure,” Finn says. “You can.”

“I told you, I won’t do anything I don’t want to,” Puck says. He pulls Finn’s boxers down as far as he can, then frowns. “Yeah, okay, you’ve got to kick them off or something now.” Finn moves, kicking his legs a little until the boxers are off. Puck puts his hand on Finn’s hip again, spreading his fingers over Finn’s skin. “You have to tell me if there’s anything _you_ don’t want.” 

“I want everything you want,” Finn says. He rests one of his hands on top of Puck’s hand. 

“I _want_ pretty much everything,” Puck says, moving his hand slowly over Finn’s butt, and it’s not a lie. If it were just him, he’d probably even push faster, but he’s pretty sure he’d have a hard time reassuring Finn it wasn’t Finn, if Puck did freak out or react badly. “Still want everything I want?” 

Finn nods his head rapidly. “Yeah,” he says, sounding kind of breathy. “I do.”

“Good.” Puck keeps moving his hand on Finn’s butt, then kisses Finn. They kiss until Puck feels like he’s going to fall asleep mid-kiss, and Puck puts his head back on Finn’s arm again, his hand still on Finn’s butt. “Good night?” 

“Yeah. Night, Puck.”

The rest of spring break is pretty much the same, until the next to last night. While they’re kissing, Puck moves his other hand on Finn’s chest, and while they’re still kissing, he realizes that what he really _wants_ is to put his hand on Finn’s dick. He doesn’t stop to analyze it more than that, just lets his hand keep going lower and lower until he can wrap his fingers around it. 

“Ah!” Finn cries out, then he says, very softly, “Oh my god, Puck.”

“Yeah?” Puck says, moving his hand like he would if he were jerking off. “God, you’re hard.” 

“Yeah, ’cause you’re— oh my _god_.”

“Can I make you come like this?” 

Finn whines quietly. “I think you can make me come in like thirty seconds.”

Puck grins. “That’s cool,” he says. “Like, _really_ cool.” He keeps stroking Finn, thinking about what he likes when he’s jerking off, and he kisses Finn very briefly. “Better than jerking off?” 

“Yeah,” Finn says, sounding awestruck. “Do you want something, too?”

“I just want you to come.” 

“Yeah, I’m gonna,” Finn says. “Like right now, like— oh, oh shit, Puck, oh!”

Puck keeps moving his hand as Finn comes, squirming and making noise, and Puck’s pretty sure it’s damn hot. He kisses Finn, his hand moving slowly and then stopping, then pulls back. 

“That was so cool,” Puck says. 

“Yeah?” Finn says. “It was cool for me. Puck, that was so awesome!”

Puck grins. “Good. So we can do that again tomorrow?” 

“Do you want to?”

“Uh, yeah,” Puck says. 

“Can I touch you, too? It’s okay if you don’t want me to. I won’t if you don’t want me to,” Finn says. 

Puck hesitates. He wants to say yes, but he doesn’t know how he’s going to react, and after a few more seconds pass, he slowly shakes his head. “I _want_ you to,” he says softly. “I’m just, you know.” 

“Okay,” Finn says. “Whenever you want me to, _if_ you want me to, tell me, okay?”

“I will. Promise,” Puck says. 

For days after, though, Puck doesn’t think about that too much, concentrating instead on how awesome it is that he can jerk Finn off and make him come while they’re kissing and touching otherwise. It’s even a little ahead of where he thought he might be, which means he probably needs to focus on some other goals and actions for at least a week or two. 

Back when Burt and Kurt had started coming over for dinner, Kurt had eventually asked why Puck was always there. Puck’d just told Kurt that sometimes, shit happens, and that Carole’s his guardian, but Puck knows that things would probably go smoother for Carole if he and Finn are getting along fine with Kurt. Kurt has less of a stick in his ass than he did at the beginning of the year, for sure, and Puck knows it’d be better to control what they tell Kurt than have Kurt making guesses. 

One Saturday, Burt and Kurt show up for an early dinner, and then Burt and Carole leave for a movie or something. Carole tells them to clean up the kitchen, and before they get started, Kurt leaves the room for the bathroom. 

“I think we should tell him,” Puck whispers to Finn as Kurt leaves the room. “Why I’m here.” 

“We don’t have to,” Finn says. “Even if he does get told, it doesn’t have to be you who tells him.”

“Carole didn’t have to let me live here, either,” Puck says. “It’s better than him guessing.” 

“Uh, yeah she did, ’cause otherwise I would’ve _left_ ,” Finn says.

“Yeah, yeah, we could’ve been homeless together. Seriously, though. I think we should tell him.” 

“Tell me what?” Kurt asks, coming back into the room. 

“Why I live here,” Puck says. “Finn says I don’t have to be the one to tell you, but we’re going to.” 

“I can do it,” Finn insists. “It doesn’t have to be you.”

“I know. But I can,” Puck says. “So… so, I actually moved in just before school started this year.” 

Kurt nods, sitting down on the sofa. Finn reaches for Puck’s hand and gives it a squeeze. 

“Summer before last, I did some odd jobs around my old neighborhood. Nothing weird, just lawns and stuff,” Puck starts. “I started up cleaning pools again at the beginning of last summer, and this guy in my old neighborhood was helping me get jobs. Except… it wasn’t really pool cleaning. Or it was, but it wasn’t _just_ pool cleaning.” 

Kurt nods again. “It wasn’t?”

“It’s weird to think about,” Puck says, talking more to Finn than Kurt for a moment. “It feels like I’m talking about somebody else.” 

“You can stop if you need to. I can tell the rest,” Finn says. 

“I didn’t tell anyone about it, except for the guy who was helping me get jobs. He got mad whenever I’d act like I didn’t want to do… stuff, anymore,” Puck says. “I didn’t tell anyone until the first day of football practice, when I told Finn.” 

“When you say ‘stuff’…” Kurt says. “What kind of stuff, Puck?”

“Do you watch the news?” Puck asks. “You seem like someone who watches the local news.” 

“I do,” Kurt says. 

“So this guy, Ryan, set everything up,” Puck says. “Where I should go and when, and he knew they all had husbands or boyfriends, and so when I wanted to stop, that’s what he’d tell me. That he was going to tell their husbands.” 

“Oh god, Puck,” Kurt says, putting his hand up to his mouth. “Are you saying that you were… _involved_ with the pro— the ring?”

“We didn’t actually take a trip to Milwaukee or Michigan or anywhere around Thanksgiving,” Puck says. “I had to testify. I guess technically I led to the arrests.” 

Finn holds Puck’s hand tighter, looking like he’s having to fight the urge to glare at Kurt. “It wasn’t his fault, though. None of this was his fault, so don’t—”

“No, I understand,” Kurt says. “Of course. Oh, Puck, I’m so sorry. That must have been so terrible.”

Puck shrugs. “So I was staying here and it was just better that I kept staying here, even after the trial.” 

“He did such a good job at the trial,” Finn says. “He did so good, Kurt, you don’t even know.”

“I know they reached a guilty verdict, so he must have done very well,” Kurt says.

“It’ll still be good to get out of Lima eventually, but it’s good he’s not walking around, yeah,” Puck says with another shrug. “And that’s why we’re late in the mornings sometimes.”

“He has somebody he talks to,” Finn says.

Kurt nods slowly. “Yes, I’m sure that’s a very good idea. Well. I really don’t know what else to say. Thank you for trusting me enough to tell me, and please know I won’t share this information with anyone else.”

“It just seemed like you should know,” Puck says. Kurt nods again. Puck looks at Finn and shrugs. “And now we can all… watch a movie?” 

“Sure,” Finn says. “We should make Kurt experience the awesomeness of the _Star Wars_ trilogy in reverse order.”

That’s exactly what they do, or at least most of the trilogy, and after Kurt leaves and Finn and Puck head upstairs, Puck flops onto the bed, face down. “I still think it’s good we told him,” Puck mumbles into the mattress. 

“He won’t tell anybody, at least,” Finn says. “You doing okay?”

“Yeah. Just exhausted, now,” Puck admits. “Help me get undressed?” 

“Yeah?” Finn asks. He runs his hands lightly down Puck’s sides, catching the hem of his shirt.

“Yeah,” Puck says, turning his head towards Finn. “You’re, I don’t know the word. Incredible.” 

“Nah,” Finn says. He leans in and gives Puck a gentle kiss, then starts pulling Puck’s shirt up, his pinky dragging along Puck’s skin. 

“Uh-huh.” Puck grins at Finn and then closes his eyes. “Tell me when I need to move my arms.” 

“Okay,” Finn says. His fingers skid over Puck’s ribs as he continues tugging at Puck’s shirt. “Move your arms now.” Puck lifts his arms up off the bed and more or less over his head. Finn pulls the shirt over Puck’s head and off his arms. Puck can hear the shirt hit the floor with a soft thud as Finn runs both hands down Puck’s sides again. “I really love you.”

Puck smiles again, eyes still closed. “Yeah. I know. I love you.” He waits a few more seconds and then rolls over. “Can you turn out the light? And maybe take my boxers off, too?” 

“Sure. I’ll be right back.” Finn’s hands disappear from Puck’s skin as Finn stands, then the lights go out. When Finn gets back onto the bed, his puts his hands on Puck’s shoulders, running them down his arms. 

Puck opens his eyes just enough to make out Finn’s shadow, and he watches Finn’s arms move for a few seconds. “I mean it,” he says. “Boxers too.” 

Finn’s hands move to Puck’s waist, just above his boxers. “You’re sure?” Finn asks. 

“Yeah. I want— I want it just us.” 

“Okay.” Finn’s hands slide down to Puck’s boxers, catching the waistband and pulling them down past Puck’s hips, past his knees, and down to his ankles. “You want to get under the covers?”

“Yeah. Yeah, that’s good,” Puck says. 

Finn pulls the blankets back so they can both get under them, then Finn tentatively puts one hand on Puck’s waist again. “Is this okay?”

“Yeah, it’s okay,” Puck says, rolling towards Finn and putting one arm around him. “You feel really good.” 

“You do, too,” Finn says. “You’re so, I don’t know. Beautiful.”

“It’s dark in here.” 

“Shut up! You know what I mean!” Finn says. 

Puck laughs and then kisses Finn. “Yeah, I know what you mean.” 

“Your skin feels really awesome.” Finn’s thumb strokes lower on Puck’s side, tracing along his hipbone. 

“Yeah. I like this,” Puck says. “Can we just stay in bed tomorrow?” 

“Sure. We don’t have to go anywhere.”

“Awesome.” Puck closes his eyes again. “It’s almost summer. Then we can just lie around naked, right?” 

“Right. As long as Mom’s not home,” Finn says. 

Puck laughs. “Yeah, there are things your mom doesn’t need to see.”

“Exactly!” 

They spend the rest of the school year sleeping naked, and once school is out, part of the day naked, too, as long as the blinds aren’t open. Two weeks into summer vacation, they get up and go eat breakfast, and then Puck looks around the house before shrugging. 

“Let’s just go back to bed.” 

“Okay. Did you want to take a nap?” Finn asks. 

“Not really,” Puck says, putting his bowl in the sink and starting towards the stairs. “Unless you did.” 

Finn shakes his head. “Nah.”

Puck grins and takes Finn’s hand. “We could practice our, I don’t know. Coordination?” 

“Huh?”

“You think you could manage to keep your hand moving if I’ve got my hand on you?” Puck asks. 

Finn tilts his head to the side, looking kind of confused. “What?” he asks, then his eyes widen. “Ohhh. Yeah, yeah, I could! I could definitely manage!”

“Sure?” Puck says, still grinning as he kisses Finn.

“Yeah. I really want to,” Finn says. “As long as you want me to, I mean.”

“I wouldn’t have asked,” Puck insists, lying back down on the bed. Finn climbs on top of him, propped up on his arms so Puck isn’t pinned down, and kisses Puck hard. Puck runs both of his hands down Finn’s back and onto his butt, then slides one hand around and wraps it around Finn’s dick, stroking slowly. 

Finn whines into Puck’s mouth as they keep kissing. He shifts his weight onto his left arm, running his right hand down Puck’s chest. He moves slowly, moving his fingers along Puck’s skin, until his hand reaches Puck’s dick. Finn touches Puck lightly at first, stroking his thumb along Puck’s dick, but then he curls his fingers around it. 

Puck nods barely as they kiss, and he almost wiggles up towards Finn. Finn shifts his weight again, rolling them both onto their sides. He pulls away from Puck’s mouth slightly.

“You’re good?” Finn asks. “It’s good?”

“I’m good. Really,” Puck says, and maybe he would have been just as good even if he hadn’t waited so long, but either way, it’s really good, and he moves toward Finn and into Finn’s hand. Finn strokes him slowly, his mouth close to Puck’s, but not touching. 

“You feel so good,” Finn tells him. “I wanted to do this so much. I wanted to touch you, like you touch me. I love you, Puck.”

“I know. I know you wanted to. Your hand is good,” Puck says. “It’s so good.” 

“I want to make you feel good,” Finn says. His hand moves faster, and he rests his forehead against Puck’s.

“You are. I promise.” 

“I want to make you come,” Finn says. “Like you make me come.” He kisses Puck briefly before moving back again, his forehead back on Puck’s. “Is that what you want?”

“Yeah. Yeah, that’s what I want,” Puck says, moving his hand a little faster and realizing he’s the one having trouble staying coordinated. 

“Good, I want you to, I want you to,” Finn says breathlessly. 

“I will. Your hand, I will.” 

“I love you. I love you, Puck.”

“I’m going to,” Puck says. “Going to come.” 

“Yeah, that’s so awesome, you’re so awesome,” Finn says, jerking Puck off faster. 

“Yeah,” Puck manages, and he thrusts up into Finn’s hand, most of his brain thinking only about Finn’s hand and how good it feels. He lets out a low yell as he comes, then sinks against the mattress, eyes closed, and he doesn’t know what he’s feeling. Finn’s arms wrap around him almost immediately, Finn murmuring softly into Puck’s ear.

“I love you. I love you so much,” Finn says. 

“’M sorry,” Puck says quietly. He puts his arms around Finn’s neck. “Sorry.” 

“Shhh, no, it’s okay. It’s okay.” Finn holds Puck tighter. “I love you. It’s okay.”

“Still sorry,” Puck mumbles, squeezing his eyes shut and realizing there’s a few tears running down his cheeks. “Love you too.” 

“I know. I know you do. It’s okay. No reason to be sorry.”

Puck doesn’t argue, kissing Finn instead. “I like summer,” he finally says. 

“Yeah. Me, too,” Finn says. 

“We can practice our coordination?” 

“Sure. Any time you want,” Finn promises. “But _only_ when you want to. I’m going to wait until you ask, for now, okay? I want to make sure you know it’s only when you want it, how you want it.”

“I know. But okay,” Puck says. “Sounds like a good summer.” 

It’s an excellent summer, Puck decides just another week or two into it, so good that he’s almost disappointed when football practices start up. Some small school’s football team might be their way out of Lima, though, so they head to practice and meet the new coach, who is a lot more interested in football than Tanaka ever was. 

Puck can’t really explain why he thought junior year would be the same as sophomore year, but he’s unpleasantly aware it’s not as soon as they pick up their schedules the morning of the first day of school. 

“They’re not the same,” Puck says flatly. 

“What?” Finn says, staring at the schedule. “Why? That doesn’t make any sense.”

“Maybe your mom forgot to call?” 

“We’ll talk to her when we get home,” Finn says, scowling at the schedules. 

“First day’s going to suck,” Puck says with a sigh, but he goes to all of his classes, even the ones he and Finn don’t share, because he knows Finn would be sad if he found out Puck was skipping. 

The two of them sit on the curb waiting for Carole to pick them up after practice, and Puck scowls at his schedule again as they wait. The first thing Finn does when Carole pulls up, before he even sits in a seat, is hold the schedule up in front of her face.

“Mom! They messed up,” Finn says. “They put us in different classes!”

Puck nods and holds his schedule up, too. “Only three out of seven.” 

“Well, I suppose it was going to have to happen sooner or later,” Carole says. “Let’s give it a few days and see if it works, but if it doesn’t, I’ll go up there and get them to change it.”

“It doesn’t work,” Puck mutters to Finn. 

“It’s just a few days. We’ll get it fixed,” Finn says. “Mom’ll fix it.”

A week into the school year, and Puck doesn’t think junior year is going that well. The morning’s session with Mr. Yoder had veered suddenly, unexpectedly, and uncomfortably into details of what Ryan had done to Puck, indirectly, and the housewives, more directly, and when Puck gets to glee club in the afternoon, he still feels off-balance. He misses his and Finn’s sophomore year schedule, but Carole says that they should give it a week or two before deciding if they need her to intervene. Finn’s class before glee club is on the other side of the school, which means he’s usually the last one there, and Puck sits in his seat, trying his best not to think about the morning with Mr. Yoder. 

“…and there, just like some kind of whore…” One of the girls, sitting behind him, says, and he can’t even figure out who it is. He can feel himself reacting, but he’s not even sure what he’s doing, just that his body is moving and his breathing is changing and he can’t stop to think. 

“Are you okay?” someone asks, and Puck can’t tell who, but he can tell that it’s one of the girls who moves right behind him and then puts a hand on his shoulder, and he can’t hold back what comes out of his mouth. 

“Don’t touch me!” he screams, pushing himself out of the chair and into the floor, as far away from everyone in the room as he can manage in one movement. He can hear people talking, but he can’t tell who it is until he can, at least, make out Kurt’s voice. He still isn’t sure what Kurt is saying, and people move around more, and all Puck wants is for Finn to show up. Puck hears someone moving towards him, someone who isn’t Finn, and he tenses until he realizes that the person who left the room was Mike, and that leaves Kurt as the person approaching him. He’s still tense, but Puck stops trying to scoot across the floor. 

“Puck?” Kurt’s soft voice comes from very low, like he’s kneeling or sitting near Puck. “Can you hear my voice?”

Puck nods, or at least he thinks he manages to nod. 

“Can you take a deep breath? Just one nice, deep breath through your nose,” Kurt continues. 

Puck nods again, and he takes a deep breath before shaking his head, irritated at the way everything smells. 

“That’s good. Now take one more,” Kurt says, his voice still quiet and close to Puck’s ear. “Finn’s on his way. You can keep breathing.”

Puck squeezes his eyes closed and takes another breath, listening for Finn. Kurt keeps talking softly, reminding Puck to keep breathing, and after what feels like a long time, Puck can hear Finn running into the classroom. Finn immediately sits next to Puck, putting one arm around him.

“Hey. Are you okay?” Finn whispers. “Are you hurt?” Puck shakes his head, turning his body towards Finn. “Want me to get you out of here?”

Puck nods. “Sorry,” he whispers. 

“Shh. It’s okay,” Finn says, then he continues, “No, I’m going to take him to the nurse or something.” His voice sounds a little louder, but a little farther away, so he must be answering someone else’s question. His voice softens again, near Puck’s ear again. “I’m ready to go, if you’ll let me get you up.”

“Okay,” Puck whispers, still turned towards Finn. “No nurse. Home.” 

“I know. I’m taking you home,” Finn promise. He puts his arm around Puck more firmly, starting to stand and pulling Puck up with him. Puck staggers a little and leans on Finn, even though he can’t figure out why he feels shaky. Finn guides him out of the classroom and down the hall, through the front doors of the school, and down to the sidewalk. “Are you up for walking?”

“Can try.” Puck frowns and turns against Finn’s shoulder. “I don’t know what happened.” 

“Don’t worry about it. We can try to figure it out later. Here.” Finn sits Puck down on the curb. “I’m calling Mom.”

“They all talk so much,” Puck says, leaning forward with his elbows on his knees. 

“Yeah.” Finn puts his hand on Puck’s back, rubbing slow circles. “Hey, Mom. Yeah, we’re— well, no, I guess we’re not okay. Can you come get us? Yeah, now. Yeah. I’ll explain when you get here. Thanks, Mom. Yeah. Love you, too.”

“Our schedules are dumb.” 

“Yeah. We’ll get ’em fixed,” Finn says. “Mom’ll fix them.”

“They kept talking, and after Mr. Yoder this morning, and I know she was probably concerned,” Puck says, rambling a little. “I hate this.” He pulls the pack of cigarettes out of his jacket pocket, lighting one before offering the pack to Finn. 

“I know. I’m sorry,” Finn says. He keeps rubbing a circle on Puck’s back until Carole arrives, looking worried as she gets out of the car.

“Oh, Noah. What happened?” she says. 

“We need to get our schedules fixed, Mom,” Finn says. “This isn’t working.”

Carole nods. “I’ll go in now, if you boys want to wait in the car for me.”

“Is that okay?” Finn asks Puck. 

“Yeah, okay,” Puck says, standing up slowly and putting out his current cigarette. 

“I’ll be back as quickly as I can,” Carole says. “Here Finn. Take the keys, in case it gets too hot or you two want the radio.” 

Puck waits until they’re sitting in the car, the doors closed, before he says anything else. “I know it was Mr. Yoder day, but I heard one of them say ‘whore’.” 

“They weren’t talking about you,” Finn says. He puts his arms around Puck again, pulling his close. “I’m so sorry, Puck.”

“They could have been. I was so fucking stupid,” Puck says. “It’s not even like I wish it’d been perfect or something. I just wish it’d been different.” 

“They _weren’t_ ,” Finn says. “And you’re not stupid. You’re not.”

“I should have known something wasn’t right. Or said something sooner. Or just said no. Something.” 

“You tried to say something, and then that asshole Ryan just messed with your head. It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault,” Finn says. 

“I want it to be different,” Puck says, leaning his head against Finn’s shoulder. “I don’t like remembering any of it.” 

“I know. I wish I could make you forget it all.”

“I guess trying to replace some of it’s something,” Puck says. “What I think of, I mean. That’s a lot.” 

“It’s going to get better. I think it’s already getting better a little,” Finn says. “But I love you, okay? And none of the stuff that happened is your fault, not even a little bit.”

“‘Better’ doesn’t feel like screaming in glee club usually,” Puck says, closing his eyes. 

“I think getting better probably still has bad days,” Finn says. 

“Yeah, okay,” Puck concedes as he hears Carole open the car door. 

“I had a nice, long talk with Principal Figgins,” Carole says. “We were able to get your schedules changed so you’ll be in all the same classes. Honestly, there was no reason for them not to do that in the first place.” 

“Starting tomorrow?” Puck asks. 

“Yes. Apparently the guidance counselor, Ms. Pillsbury, had some very strong words about the failure to correctly adjust your schedules before the school year started,” Carole says.

“So, can we go home?” Finn asks.

“Yes. I think that’ll be fine. I already signed both of you out for the day.”

“Wake me up when we get there,” Puck mumbles. 

“Yeah, I will,” Finn says. He keeps an arm around Puck as Puck falls asleep, and when Finn wakes him up, Puck has a suspicion that they’ve been back home for longer than just a few seconds. 

“Can we sleep until dinner?” Puck asks. “And can dinner be pizza?” 

“Yeah, we can sleep,” Finn says. “Mom already said she’d get pizza.”

“Awesome.” 

Puck suspects that Kurt bullies the rest of the glee club into keeping their mouths shut, because no one brings it up to Puck again, not the next day or the rest of the week, and by the time it’s been six days, gossip has definitely moved on. He gives Mr. Yoder an overview of what happened, but he doesn’t say much during most of the hour, until there’s about fifteen minutes left. 

“Is Finn here with you today?” 

“Yeah, he’s out in the waiting room,” Puck says, shrugging a little. 

“Would it be okay if we asked him to join us for a moment?” Mr. Yoder asks, and Puck nods. Mr. Yoder gets up and goes out of the office, then comes back with Finn trailing behind him. Puck shrugs at Finn, and Finn shrugs back, wide-eyed and worried-looking.

“So what is it?” Puck asks. 

“Would the two of you agree that characterizing Finn as one of your coping mechanisms is fair?” Mr. Yoder asks. 

“I guess so?” Puck says, glancing at Finn. 

“He knows I’ve always got his back,” Finn says. 

“And while that’s been a productive short-term strategy, I think it’s something to consider changing for the long-term.” 

“Huh?” Puck says. 

“You can’t always be right with him,” Mr. Yoder says, and Puck frowns. 

“Why can’t I?” 

“Yeah, why not?” Finn asks. 

“As you get older, you will have an increasing number of decisions and choices to make, such as college—”

“So?” Puck says. “If Finn and I actually wanted to, couldn’t we pick the same college? The same major and classes? We could work at the same place!” 

“Yeah, why can’t we do that?” Finn says. “I think it sounds awesome. I’ll always want to be around Puck!”

“See? We could be together twenty-four hours a day if we wanted to. That’ll be _easier_ as we get older, not harder,” Puck says, crossing his arms. 

“As a therapist, I cannot recommend that course of action, not for either of you,” Mr. Yoder says, frowning at them. 

“Why not?” Finn asks. 

“The level of dependence there could inhibit growth and processing.” 

“Processing doesn’t work out that great for me,” Puck says. “Processing made me lose it in the middle of glee club.” 

“Why don’t you cut him some slack?” Finn asks, sounding angrier than Puck has heard him in a while. “It hasn’t even been a year since the trial. Why are you being so mean to him?”

“I assure you, I’m not being mean,” Mr. Yoder says. “I’m looking towards his future mental health, not just now but one, five, and even ten or more years in the future.” 

“And I’ll be better off with Finn there.” 

“Yeah, what makes you think I won’t still be there in five or ten or more years?” Finn demands. 

“Most high school relationships don’t last,” Mr. Yoder says almost apologetically. 

Puck scowls. “Most isn’t all.” 

“And most isn’t _us_ ,” Finn adds, still looking and sounding furious. 

“I think it’s something that both of you need to consider going forward, about what’s fair to each of you. And Finn, I think this is something that should be discussed with your mother as well.” 

“You’d better not say stuff to my mom about how me and Puck shouldn’t be together,” Finn says. His fists are balled up, and he looks like he might even be considering punching Mr. Yoder. “Don’t you say that to her. She thinks it’s a good idea for us to have our schedules the same. _She_ doesn’t think it’s unfair or anything stupid like that.”

“I think the two of you should bring it up with her, actually,” Mr. Yoder says. “If she would like to come in for all of us to discuss it, we can, but I think at this point the two of you, or even just you, Finn, could start a dialogue.” 

“Therapy homework,” Puck hisses to Finn. “Just nod.” Finn nods, not looking any less pissed. 

“That’s all for today,” Mr. Yoder says, which is probably a good thing for Mr. Yoder’s face, since Finn’s fists are still balled up. 

“Okay. See you next week,” Puck says, standing up and grabbing one of Finn’s fists before walking out of the office. He nods at the person at the front desk and goes straight out the door, then says “What the fuck.” 

“Yeah, I don’t think I like that guy,” Finn says. 

“I bet he thinks we’re that codependent thing,” Puck says. “I know your mom wants us to cut back on the smoking but…” 

“I don’t care if we’re that codependent thing, though,” Finn says. “I don’t care! I like to be with you all the time. It makes me happy. Maybe if I’d been with you all the time before—” He breaks off, shaking his head. 

“Yeah,” Puck says softly. “We _were_ before middle school. Even sixth grade. And then seventh grade we only had one class together.” 

“We shouldn’t have stopped. We should’ve made them keep us together,” Finn says. 

“I think it’d be pretty awesome to work the same place you do,” Puck says. “Why is that a bad thing?” 

“It’s not. Mr. Yoder’s a jerk-off,” Finn says. 

“I bet your mom will agree with us.” 

“Yeah, me too.”

Puck kisses Finn while they’re still standing on the sidewalk, because he really is trying to smoke less often, and Finn’s more calming, anyway. They don’t talk about it the rest of the day, but after they finish dinner, Puck keeps playing with his spoon and looks at Carole. 

“Mr. Yoder wants us to talk to you,” he says. 

“Oh?” Carole asks, in her mom-hasn't-taken-a-side voice. “What about?”

“He thinks I’m using bad coping methods,” Puck says. “Or, well. He thinks _Finn_ helping me cope is bad.” 

“But it’s not. _I’m_ not,” Finn says. “And it makes me feel better to be around Puck, too, so I don’t see how it’s bad for either one of us!”

“Did Mr. Yoder express what specific concerns he had about this coping method?” Carole asks. 

“He said we can’t always be together. Except we totally could,” Puck says. 

“I see,” Carole says. “Maybe he meant it wasn’t a good idea for the two of you to be together. Is he concerned about your independence?”

“He’s kind of a jerk, Mom,” Finn says. “I’m not sure we should worry about what his concern is.”

“He said that if I kept coping with Finn around, I might not ‘process’ enough.” Puck frowns. “Maybe I don’t want to process.” 

“Hmm. I can understand that, in the short term,” Carole says. 

Puck frowns at Carole. “There’s no reason we shouldn’t go to college the same place, or whatever.”

“That’s true,” Carole agrees. “Unless you don’t both get into the same college.”

“Ms. Pillsbury has a thing about how there are four thousand colleges, in her office,” Puck says. “I bet one of them would take both of us.” 

“Yeah, Mom. See?” Finn says. 

“I agree that it’s possible you could both attend the same college. I also agree that your relationship is probably a wonderful thing for both of you, certainly for Puck,” Carole says.

“But?” Puck asks suspiciously. 

Carol sighs before answering. “But I think we should also consider that Mr. Yoder has a point, in that you will have times in your life when Finn can’t be there with you, at least for short periods.”

“Yeah, but I’d have enough sense not to go see my therapist right before them,” Puck says. 

“It happened last week,” Carole says gently. “I’m just saying that you might not always realize it’s going to happen, and it would help if you were prepared for it, if it does.”

“Yeah, it happened last week, which is why I know not to do it again.” 

“You’re a teenage boy. You won’t always have total control over your schedule,” Carole points out.

“But that’s why we’ve got you, Mom!” Finn says.

“And we’ll have more control as we get older. Not less,” Puck insists.

“Look, I’m not going to force the two of you to spend time apart,” Carole says. “I’m just saying you should take some time to think over Mr. Yoder’s suggestions.”

“He didn’t have any suggestions. Just that we were wrong,” Puck says.

“Maybe he’ll have some practical suggestions for you next time, _if_ you can manage to refrain from being confrontational,” Carole says. 

Puck frowns. “Okay,” he says after a few more seconds, then puts his spoon down and picks up his plate, nudging Finn to do the same. Finn takes his plate to the sink and then follows Puck up to the bedroom. Puck shuts the door and leans on it. “What do you want to be?” 

“Uh. I don’t know. What do you want to be?” Finn asks. 

“No, I asked you, that way Mr. Yoder can’t say we weren’t being fair,” Puck explains. “We’ll just show them we have it all figured out.” 

“Oh. Uh. Maybe we could, I don’t know. Be firefighters or something?” Finn says. 

“That sounds dangerous. Can’t we do something in an office?” Puck frowns, thinking about one of them getting burned or inhaling smoke or something. 

“Doctors? Or nurses or something, since it’s really hard to be a doctor.”

“Yeah, okay. Like with old people? Or kids?” 

“Yeah, we could be kid nurses!” Finn says. “That would be cool. I like kids.”

“Okay, so we just need to Google nurse colleges and make a list of, like, ten or fifteen of those. Then we have a good plan,” Puck says. “Maybe Ms. Pillsbury would even make the list for us.” 

“Yeah. There, we have a plan!” Finn says. 

“Dealing with people is way worse than not ‘processing’,” Puck says, walking over to the bed and lying down on it. “Don’t they get that?” 

“I don’t know,” Finn says. “I think you’re doing really good, so I think Mr. Yoder can just stuff it.”

“Maybe…” Puck snorts and laughs. “Maybe when Kurt got the stick out of his ass, Mr. Yoder found it.” 

“Kurt’s cooler now, for sure,” Finn agrees. He lies down on the bed next to Puck, running his hand down Puck’s arm. 

“Why does he think everyone has to react the same? Or cope the same? There’s a lot worse things I could be doing than wanting to be with you,” Puck says. 

“Yeah. I like being with you. I love you,” Finn says. 

“Yeah. I love you too.” Puck sighs. “Can we just lie here tonight?” 

“Of course. We could do that every night, if you wanted,” Finn says. “I love you so much.”

“I know.” Puck rolls onto his side, facing Finn, and half-closes his eyes, trying to decide if he’s being smart or starting to regress or something. He knows it’s tiring and he knows he resents it, looming over everything, even if getting to live with Finn is pretty good compensation and a really great outcome. 

Finn puts his arm around Puck, pulling him close. “It’s all gonna be okay,” he says quietly. 

“Screw ’em,” Puck says. “In two years, we’ll be eighteen.” 

“Yeah,” Finn says. “And we’ll do whatever we want, together.”

“Yeah, exactly.” Puck doesn’t intend to fall asleep, but the next time he opens his eyes, the room is dark, and it’s probably the middle of the night. He shakes Finn gently. “Finn?” 

“Huh?” Finn replies sleepily. “Everything okay?”

“We’re not under the covers. And we still have jeans on,” Puck says. 

“Okay,” Finn says, still sounding mostly asleep. 

Puck smiles to himself. “Okay,” he repeats, putting his head back down and closing his eyes again. 

He does go straight to Ms. Pillsbury the next day, and before he sees Mr. Yoder again, he has a list of fifteen colleges that Ms. Pillsbury thinks he and Finn have at least a fifty-fifty shot of getting into. Puck doesn’t even look at the list more than once, because the important part isn’t where, it’s just showing Mr. Yoder they’re thinking about the future and all that. 

Mr. Yoder seems surprised and says something about Puck’s persistence and how that, at least, is a good sign. Then he asks how they’re going to pay for it, and Puck tells him what Ms. Pillsbury said about financial aid, then adds that it’s not like either of them are incapable of working, anyway. 

He stops talking about dependence and Finn after that, which is a relief, and Puck purposely brings Finn up the next week, just to see what Mr. Yoder does. Mr. Yoder still doesn’t bring it up, so Puck figures that he’s gotten some sort of reprieve. That’s probably good, Puck decides, because he has other things he’d rather think about. 

Even school seems more important, but they’ve got football and glee club, too, plus Burt and Carole seem to be getting more serious. The _really_ important thing on Puck’s mind at the beginning of October, though, is blowjobs. Puck knows Finn’ll probably want to return the favor as soon as Puck offers, but Puck knows he’s a lot more ready to give one than he is to let Finn do something just for him. 

Maybe Puck should make Finn be selfish, though, so when they have a bye the week before Halloween and Carole has plans with Burt, Puck tells Finn to tell everyone else no, they have plans, and by seven, Carole is gone. 

“Upstairs,” Puck says to Finn. 

“Yeah?” Finn says, raising his eyebrows. 

“We’ve got three or four hours without your mom here. We haven’t had that since the summer,” Puck points out. 

“Yeah, that’s pretty awesome,” Finn says. He starts up the stairs, turning when he’s halfway up to grin at Puck before continuing. 

“You want to try something?” 

“What kind of something?” Finn asks. 

Puck waits until the door to Finn’s bedroom is closed. “Blowjob something?” 

Finn’s eyebrows shoot up. “Oh. Wow. For real?”

“No, I’m a complete asshole and I’m going to offer and then tell you just kidding,” Puck says with a grin. “Yes, for real.” 

“Ohh. You mean _you_ giving _me_ one?” Finn asks. “You really want to do that?”

“Yeah,” Puck says, sitting down on the edge of the bed. “Just, you know, not actually kneeling and getting carpet burn.” 

“Do you— I mean, can I do it back? To you?”

Puck winces a little and shakes his head. “Not yet.” 

“Okay. You don’t want to wait until you’re ready for me to?” Finn asks. 

“No. I _want_ to give you a blowjob.” 

“But I can jerk you off after, though, right?”

Puck laughs. “Yeah, you can do that,” he says. “Come here.” 

Finn sits down close to Puck, leaning in to kiss him. Puck puts his hand on the back of Finn’s neck as they kiss, sliding his other hand under Finn’s t-shirt. 

“Actually I’ve wanted to for awhile,” Puck admits. 

“Really?” Finn asks. “You think about it?”

“Yeah.” Puck puts his other hand under Finn’s t-shirt, too, slowly working it up. “Are you trying to tell me you haven’t?” 

“Well yeah, I think about it all the time,” Finn says. 

“Yeah? Hold up your arms.” Finn lifts his arms. Puck pulls off Finn’s t-shirt and tosses it in the floor, then raises one eyebrow. “Well?”

“Well what?”

“What do you think about?” 

Finn’s face turns a little red. “I don’t know. Stuff.”

“Yeah?” Puck pulls off his t-shirt and throws it in the floor near Finn’s, then puts his hands on Finn’s chest. “Tell me.” 

“Just stuff. You and me doing stuff,” Finn says. 

“You have to tell me if there’s something you want, you know,” Puck says, leaning in to kiss Finn again. 

“I know. I just kind of want anything. I like everything we’ve done. I like how you touch me.”

Puck pulls back and stands up, unfastening his jeans. “Yeah. Me too.” 

“I think about this sometimes, though,” Finn says. “But a lot of times I’m thinking about me doing it to you.”

“We’ll get there. _I’ll_ get there,” Puck says, gesturing for Finn to take off his jeans. 

“I know you will.” Finn undoes his jeans and shoves them down. 

“Lie down?” Puck says, stepping back towards Finn again and kissing him, his hand stroking Finn’s dick slowly. Finn lies back on the bed, his eyes on Puck’s moving hand. Puck shifts position twice before settling on kneeling beside Finn’s legs, facing Finn. “Good?” 

“Uh huh,” Finn says, nodding rapidly. 

“Still want me to blow you?” Puck teases. 

“Yeah,” Finn says breathily. “If you want to, I really, really want you to.”

“Yeah, I want to.” Puck moves his hand, resting it on Finn’s hip, and leans over, barely touching his tongue to the side of Finn’s dick before pulling back a few inches. “Yeah?” 

Finn lets out a meep. “Yeah.”

Puck exhales, deliberately making sure he’s breathing onto Finn’s dick. “Good.” He moves down to the base of Finn’s dick before licking it again, then running his tongue up it. Finn meeps again, putting his hand on Puck’s head. Puck nods a little, pressing his lips against the tip of Finn’s dick and then slowly opening his mouth.

“Oh my god,” Finn whispers. “Ohhh my god.”

That’s more or less the reaction Puck was hoping for, so he keeps going, letting more and more of Finn’s dick into his mouth. He puts one hand around the base, his thumb rubbing up and down slowly as his mouth moves. Finn lifts his hips off the bed, not really thrusting, and his fingers thread through Puck’s hair. Puck looks up as he continues, trying to see Finn’s face. Finn’s eyes are on Puck, watching him. 

Puck tries to grin, which is more or less impossible, and he goes a little slower, just to see what Finn does. What Finn does is whine, his fingers tightening in Puck’s hair. Puck would grin even wider, if he could, but instead he goes faster for a few seconds before slowly down again. His thumb keeps rubbing Finn’s dick, and he grips at Finn’s hip with his other hand. 

“That feels so good,” Finn says. 

His fingers dig into Finn’s skin a little, and he starts moving all of his other hand. Puck slides his mouth down and almost off Finn’s dick, then licks the tip and takes most of it back in his mouth again, varying the speed just enough, Puck figures, to keep Finn off guard. 

“Puck,” Finn whines. “Puck, I’m gonna—”

Finn stops as he comes, and Puck chokes and coughs a little, but manages to swallow a little, and when Finn is still, Puck slowly removes his mouth, then licks the tip of Finn’s dick one more time before moving up the bed and lying down beside Finn. 

“Good?” 

“Wow,” Finn says. “That was amazing, Puck!”

Puck grins. “Yeah? As good as you thought about?” 

“Better,” Finn says. He rolls towards Puck to kiss him, wrinkling his nose a little. 

“What is it?” Puck asks. 

“Tastes kind of funny.”

“So you think you taste funny?” Puck laughs. “Not bad, though.” 

Finn shrugs. “It’s just kind of weird. It’s not awful or anything.”

"I don't mind it," Puck says, more to reassure Finn at first, but after he says it, he realizes it's true, anyway. "And it's kind of cool, making you come that way."

“Yeah?”

"Well, yeah," Puck says. He lies there quietly for a few minutes, then lifts his head and grins at Finn. Finn grins back, a kind of dopey grin. “So, can I do it again?” 

“Sure, yeah!” Finn says. He runs his hand down Puck’s side. “But I can jerk you off now?”

Puck laughs and nods. “Yeah, you can do that first.” 

Even though Puck knows Finn wants to reciprocate, Puck isn’t ready for that yet. Instead, he just gives Finn a blowjob at pretty much every opportunity, right through the rest of October and most of November. The day after Thanksgiving, Carole tells them not to disappear right after dinner, because she needs to talk to them. Finn doesn’t look like he knows what’s going on any more than Puck does, and after they put their plates in the dishwasher, they sit back down. 

“So what’s going on?” Puck asks. 

“Well,” Carole says, taking a deep breath and smiling. “You boys know I’ve been seeing Burt for quite a while now.”

“Did you break up?” Finn asks, suddenly looking furious. “Did he dump you? I’ll kill him, Mom, I—”

“Finn! Honestly,” Carole says, shaking her head.

“You seemed dramatic,” Finn says, crossing his arms. “It was a fair guess.”

“Oh, for Pete’s sake, Finn,” Carole says. “No. He asked me to marry him! I told him yes, but also that I needed to talk to the two of you before any further planning.”

“You’re _marrying_ Burt?” Finn asks. 

“Congratulations, then, right?” Puck says. “Did he get you a ring?” He’s not totally sure what ‘planning’ means, but it’s not like he or Finn care about weddings that much. 

“He did!” Carole says, holding up her left hand to display a very obviously engagement-related ring.

“Was she wearing that during dinner?” Finn whispers to Puck.

“I guess we weren’t looking?” Puck whispers back with a shrug, then looks at Carole. “I don’t think we’ll be much help with planning a wedding, though.” 

“Oh, no, I don’t mean I need you to help plan the wedding,” Carole says. “I mean our living situation. With three of us and two of them, we’ll need to move to a bigger house, one with enough bedrooms.”

Puck can feel himself tense, and he grabs Finn’s hand. “I don’t need a separate bedroom,” he blurts out. “That’s not that many bedrooms.” 

“No, honey, that’s fine. I don’t mind you continuing to bunk with Finn,” Carole says. 

“Okay.” Puck still isn’t sure what they’re supposed to be planning, or what they’re supposed to be helping plan, but at least he knows that they aren’t planning on ditching him along the way or anything. His hand tightens on Finn’s while Carole talks about the timeline, which is apparently soon, and how they’ll be asking for their input, and Kurt’s input, after they’ve narrowed down the choices to just a few houses. Puck nods at what he hopes are the right places, and that sets the pattern for the next few weeks with Carole and everything related to the wedding or moving. 

They end up going as a group of five to look at two different houses, and Puck doesn’t think either one is really better than the other, but the one they end up picking does look nicer from the outside, and the kitchen is more open, which are both probably good things. 

Puck’s still never told Mr. Yoder about the goals _he’s_ actually most interested in working on, so he pretends he’s talking about football and glee club and school when he asks Mr. Yoder if he thinks it’s okay to focus on getting through the wedding and the move and put other things on hold. Mr. Yoder seems to think that’s perfectly reasonable, so Puck tries not to think about any other things he feels like he should be doing. 

It’s hard enough when the teasing starts. None of them even think about hiding that they’re not moving until after Burt and Carole get back from the honeymoon, and none of them think about the rest of the glee club, at least, assuming that Puck and Finn are going to take advantage of being alone for a few days. Puck feels like he actually recovers first, managing to play along for a few moments, and after the first time, Finn and sometimes even Kurt fields it. By the time the wedding actually happens, they’re all tired of teasing, or at least they aren’t doing it where Puck can hear, and that’s probably better. 

Because he does want to take advantage of it, but he doesn’t know how he’ll react, still, and it’d be bad enough if he freaked out with Finn, anyway. Puck knows Finn would think he’d done something wrong, and that’s one thing Puck can’t stand the thought of. At least if Carole were home, though… it’d be embarrassing, yeah, but there’d be someone else there for both of them. If it’s just the two of them, who’s supposed to help them calm down? There’s a lot of things where Finn’s had to be really patient and understanding, and Puck’s not willing to fuck shit up for Finn even more than he already has. 

Which is why it’s still just Puck giving Finn blowjobs, not letting Finn reciprocate, right through the honeymoon, Sectionals, moving, and winter break. It’s when they go back in January, and Coach Beiste is talking about the state championship, that Puck starts thinking about letting Finn blow him again. 

Really, Puck can admit to himself, it’s more like still, and he realizes that somewhere along the way, his wanting to be fine with just wanting Finn to blow him _did_ become just wanting Finn to blow him, and if it weren’t for the fact that it’s only three days before the state championship game when Puck realizes it, he wouldn’t even wait for the game. 

It is just three days, though, and then two, and then one, and on the day of the game, Puck’s not sure what he’s more excited for: the game, the halftime performance, or what’s going to happen after they get back to the house. Carole notices but chalks it up to the game or the performance when he goes downstairs to grab granola bars and milk to take back upstairs to Finn. He tries to calm down enough to not let on to Finn that anything’s going on, at least not anything beyond the game, and he must more or less succeed, because Finn doesn’t ask him any questions or look confused or anything. 

After the performance and after they win, Puck grabs Finn and kisses him hard, which isn’t that unusual after a game, and when they finally head towards the locker room, Puck leans in to whisper in Finn’s ear. 

“When we get home, I want you to blow me.”

Puck hears Finn’s breath catch, before Finn says, “Really? You want it?’

“Yeah. Been thinking about it for awhile. Definitely all day today.” 

“That’s so cool,” Finn says. “I really want to. I’ve wanted to for a long time.”

“Yeah, I know.” Puck shrugs a little and then grins before kissing Finn again. “Guess we should get changed fast?” 

“We can just change at home!”

Puck’s grin gets bigger. “Pads might be a little uncomfortable in the car?” 

“Nah, it’ll be fine,” Finn says. 

“I’ll help you with the pads,” Puck says, pulling Finn with him through the locker room. He stops in front of their lockers and pulls off his gear as quickly as he can before starting to do the same to Finn. “Practice your best fake yawning. The game was exhausting, so we’ve gotta go to bed.” 

They’re still the first two people out of the locker room, and for whatever reason, Carole completely buys their story about being tired. That means they’re home and the bedroom door is closed before the earliest Puck had figured possible, and he grins at Finn. 

“So tired,” he says dramatically, then flops onto the bed. 

“Oh no. Should I turn off the lights?” Finn asks. 

“No, I think I’ll manage.” Puck sits up long enough to pull his shirt over his head, then lies back again. 

“Cool,” Finn says. He sits down next to Puck. “Do you want me to leave my clothes on or take them off?”

“Take them off. Otherwise you almost might as well turn off the light.” 

Finn nods, pulling his shirt off. “I was just checking.”

“I like looking at you,” Puck says with a shrug, his eyes flicking back and forth between Finn’s face and his chest. Finn stands enough to shove his pants and underwear off before sitting again.

“It’s okay if you change your mind,” Finn says as he puts one hand palm-down on Puck’s thigh. 

“I’m not going to. I want it. I want you.” 

“Yeah. I want you, too. It’s so awesome that I get to do this.”

“Yeah.” Puck reaches up, running his hand down Finn’s arm. “ _We’re_ awesome.” 

“Yeah, we are,” Finn agrees. He leans forward and down to press his mouth to Puck’s. Puck puts one hand in Finn’s hair and slides the other hand across and down Finn’s back as they kiss. Finn’s hand starts lightly petting Puck’s thigh. 

“You thought about this?” Puck asks. “A lot?” 

“Yeah. Like, a _lot_ ,” Finn says. His hand keeps moving on Puck’s leg, getting a little closer to his hip. “Probably a couple of times a day, at least.”

“Anything specific?” 

Finn shrugs slightly. “I kinda thought my mouth on your dick was pretty specific.”

“Yeah, I guess it is,” Puck says, grinning again. “Okay, well, anything you _don’t_ want?” 

Finn shakes his head. “I just wanted you to want me to, and I’ve already got that.” He slides his hand from Puck’s hip to the front of his jeans, tugging at the button. 

“Yeah, I want you to,” Puck says, unfastening his jeans and then lifting his hips up. Finn grabs the sides of the waistband and pulls Puck’s jeans down to his knees. Puck kicks them the rest of the way off and into the floor, still smiling. 

“This is so awesome,” Finn says softly. His hand curls around Puck’s dick as he starts kissing the side of Puck’s neck.

“Yeah,” Puck says as he puts his hand back in Finn’s hair. “I love you.” 

“Love you, too,” Finn says. He starts slowly jerking Puck off, still kissing Puck’s neck and shoulder. 

“I know,” Puck says. 

“I’m gonna try and make you feel really good, okay?”

“Yeah. You will,” Puck says, turning his head and kissing the side of Finn’s cheek. “You always do.” 

Finn nods, moving lower to kiss Puck’s chest. “If you don’t like something, you have to tell me,” he says, in between kisses. 

“I won’t, but okay,” Puck says, putting his other hand on Finn’s head, too. Finn slides lower, kissing Puck’s stomach, still slowly moving his hand on Puck’s dick. “I did think about this,” Puck says quietly. “Looking at you like this.” 

“Yeah?”

“Watching the top of your head.” 

Finn lifts his head enough to grin up at Puck before dipping back down and flicking his tongue across the tip of Puck’s dick. Puck’s hips jump, even though he’s trying not to move them, and he makes a short high-pitched noise that he can’t really name. 

“Oh,” Puck says quietly. 

Finn flicks his tongue again. Puck manages to keep his hips still this time, but he still hears himself almost squeaking. Finn’s lips wrap around the tip, tongue still flicking, and his hand stills at the base of Puck’s dick. 

“Oh, shit, Finn,” Puck says, rambling more than anything. “Yeah, that.” He lifts his head a little more, enough to get a better view of Finn, and he forces himself not to pull on Finn’s hair, running his fingers through it instead.

Finn’s mouth slides lower. He runs his tongue up the underside of Puck’s dick, flicks at the tip, then runs it down again, all with a little added pressure from Finn’s lips and slight suction. 

“Yeah, so good,” Puck says, staring at Finn’s head and watching it move, and it seems like it shouldn’t make as much difference as it does, having Finn’s mouth on him instead of Finn’s hand, but it does anyway. Puck lets his hips move a little bit, his hands still running through Finn’s hair. Finn makes a noise, and Puck feels it vibrating through his dick. “Sorry,” Puck says, even though he’s pretty sure he’s not going to be able to completely hold himself still. “Your mouth’s so hot.” 

Finn’s tongue moves faster. His mouth slides farther down, and he starts moving his hand again, too, jerking Puck and sucking on him at the same time. Puck gives up on trying to keep his hips from moving, and he lets out a sound closer to a whine, this time. 

“Shit, that’s perfect,” Puck says, and he knows if he keeps watching Finn on top of feeling him, he’s going to come soon. “I’m gonna come, shit, Finn.” 

Finn makes another noise, with the same vibrating feeling, and takes Puck slightly deeper in his mouth. Puck whines again, his hands resting on Finn’s head without moving, and as Finn moves his head, Puck starts to come, his hips jerking up. 

“Finn, Finn, fuck, yes,” he says, almost babbling. He can hear Finn coughing a little, but Finn’s tongue and mouth don’t stop moving on Puck’s dick, not until Puck is still. “That was perfect,” Puck says, sliding his hands down to Finn’s shoulders and pulling at him. Finn lets Puck pull him up, and Puck kisses him, hard and messy. 

Finn wraps his arms around Puck while they kiss, his own dick hard and pressing against Puck’s hip. Puck rocks his hips towards Finn, and he feels a little dizzy in a good way. 

“Oh, shit, Finn, I want—” Puck starts, breaking off mid-sentence. 

“What do you want?” Finn asks. “Puck, I love you so much.”

“I want _you_. Fuck. I want you inside me.” Puck hadn’t really let himself think beyond each new action-step, in Mr. Yoder’s language, but he is, lying there, and all of the thinking couldn’t block out the wanting, even if he were trying to. “I want you so bad.” 

“Ohhh,” Finn breathes against Puck’s face. “Oh, shit, Puck. I want to. I really want to, I just—” 

“I _want_ you,” Puck repeats, kissing Finn hard again. “Just what?” 

“I don’t want to go too fast. I don’t want you to be upset after,” Finn says. 

“I know. I know you don’t.” Puck frowns a little, because he knows Finn’s right, but for once, he doesn’t _feel_ like he’s on edge. “But I want you. And… I just want you,” Puck tries to explain. 

“Okay,” Finn says. He kisses the side of Puck’s face, then his jaw and his neck. His hands pet Puck’s back and sides. 

“I _just_ want you,” Puck repeats. “This is you and me and we can go slow or anything you think, but I want you inside me. More than, like, anything else ever.” 

“Okay,” Finn repeats. “We’ve got all the stuff or whatever that we need?”

“We’ve still got that lube that we got so our dicks wouldn’t get chapped,” Puck says, then kisses Finn again. “We can use that.” 

“Alright. You’re sure?”

“I’m sure.” Puck grabs Finn’s hand and puts it on his dick again. “See?” 

“Yeah, I see,” Finn says. “Or feel.”

“Are _you_ sure?” 

“I’m sure if you’re sure,” Finn says. 

“I want you,” Puck says firmly. 

“I want you, too,” Finn says. “If anything doesn't feel right, or if you don’t like it, tell me to stop, okay? I only want you to feel good.”

“I know. I will. Promise, cross my heart, or whatever they used to say in elementary school,” Puck says. 

Finn nods, smiling at Puck. “Okay. I’ll get the stuff.” He stands up, walking to the dresser and opening his sock drawer, rifling around a little until he holds up the bottle of lube. “Found it.”

“Good, we’d have a hard time explaining how we were so tired we needed to run out to the Rite Aid,” Puck says. 

“I’d sneak out the window.”

“Okay, that’d be kinda cool,” Puck says. “Except for the waiting part.” 

“Maybe when we run out,” Finn says, then he looks kind of embarrassed. “If, you know, we use so much of it that we run out.”

Puck laughs at that. “Mr. Yoder says it’s important to set goals. You think I should tell him we set a goal of when to run out by?” 

“Let’s get through the first time first,” Finn says. 

“I’ll make sure you’re in there when I tell him, so you can see his face,” Puck says, reaching for Finn’s free hand. Finn takes Puck’s hand and sits down again. “Like this okay? Me lying down?” 

“Yeah. However you think you’ll be comfortable,” Finn says. “There’s stuff I’m supposed to do first, right? Finger stuff?”

“Yeah. Like this is good.” Puck shrugs and props his head up a little, one arm behind his head. “Like I’ve said… you make me feel safe.” 

“It’s probably because I love you,” Finn says. 

“Yeah,” Puck says softly. “I know.” 

Finn flips open the lube and pours some into his hand. He looks at his fingers for a few seconds, frowning, then pours more onto them. 

“That’s probably good?” Puck says, shifting his weight and then bending one leg. Finn smiles nervously and scoots closer to Puck. “Kiss me while you start?” 

“Yeah, of course,” Finn says. He leans over and kisses Puck, at the same time tentatively touching Puck with his fingertip. Puck nods as they kiss, putting both of his hands on Finn’s shoulders. Finn’s finger slowly pushes inside. 

“That’s good,” Puck says quietly, watching Finn’s face. “More like that.” 

Finn looks like he’s concentrating intently on how he’s touching Puck, his eyebrows squishing together as his finger slides deeper inside. “This is okay? It’s not too much?” he asks. 

“It’s good. I promise. Maybe not enough,” he says, sticking his tongue out a little.

“It’s different than I thought,” Finn says, pushing his finger just barely deeper and moving it a little. 

Puck lifts his hips up, pushing them towards Finn’s finger. “Good or bad?” 

“Good. It’s like, it’s slicker than I thought. Smoother,” Finn says. “It’s really good, though.”

“Slick might be the lube,” Puck points out, grinning. “You can do more. More fingers or faster or something.” 

“Okay. You like, though? You don’t need me to stop?” Finn asks, moving his finger inside Puck, pulling out a little and pushing back in. He does it a few times, pushing deeper and doing something that feels like curling or bending his finger.

“Don’t _stop_. When does more mean stop?” Puck asks, lifting his hips again. 

“Like if you wanted to get it over with fast or something!” Finn says. “Wait, did you like that? The thing I just did? It looked like you liked it.”

“I like all of it, but yeah, I liked that.” 

“Cool,” Finn says, moving his finger the same way again. “Is it better like that or like this?” He bends his finger a slightly different way, studying Puck’s face while he does it.

“Both isn’t a good answer?” Puck says. “I didn’t know you were into that Tantric shit.” 

“I don’t know what that means. I’m not taunting you,” Finn says. He moves his finger both ways a few more times, then slides it out. “I’m using two now, okay?”

“Yeah. Good. Two sounds like a good plan,” Puck says, bending his other leg up. 

“Awesome,” Finn says. He starts pushing two in, and Puck inhales as he nods, lifting his hips toward Finn again. 

“Yeah, that’s better,” Puck says, half-closing his eyes and focusing on Finn’s fingers and how they’re stretching him just a little, and he rocks his hips a few times like he did when Finn was blowing him. 

“That’s really— it’s just so _sexy_ ,” Finn says quietly. “I didn’t think it would be so sexy to do this to you, but it’s awesome.”

“Yeah?” Puck says as he grins. “It feels awesome.” 

“It looks awesome and feels awesome,” Finn says, bending his fingers like he had done with one finger. 

“Yeah, that,” Puck says, biting down on his lower lip as he rocks his hips again, everything feeling _more_ with two fingers. Finn keeps bending his fingers, pressing in and up, and he leans down to kiss Puck again. 

Puck lifts his head up just enough to kiss Finn harder, his hips still moving, and he whimpers a little into Finn’s mouth. Finn moves his hand faster, and Puck whimpers again, pushing his tongue deeper. He keeps both hands on Finn’s shoulders, barely moving them, and his hips move faster, too. 

“We can just do this, if you want,” Finn says, his mouth still against Puck’s. “This is awesome.”

“Yeah, it is awesome, but I want you to fuck me,” Puck says. 

“What if you hate it? I might be terrible at it.”

“You’re not going to be— do you not want to?” 

“No, I want to, I really want to!” Finn says. “It’s just, we already found something that made you for sure feel good, and maybe we should stop on a high note?”

“But I don’t want to stop. I want to keep going. Trust me?” 

“I trust you. I love you.”

“Then keep going.” 

“How do we know when it’s time to do that?” Finn asks. 

“Maybe one more finger?” 

Finn nods, and then Puck can feel him pushing a third finger inside him. Puck nods too, breathing out and lifting his hips towards Finn’s hand. He feels full and empty at the same time, Finn’s fingers stretching him out. 

“Do you like it?” Finn asks. 

“Yeah. I like it. Keep going,” Puck says. “I _promise_ I’ll tell you if I don’t like something.” 

“Tell me when you want me to, okay?”

“I wanted you to back before any fingers, remember?” Puck says with a grin. “Maybe another thirty seconds or something. If there’s an instruction sheet, neither one of us read it.” 

“If somebody gave it to me, I’d read it,” Finn says. He pushes his fingers in more firmly, pressing up again. 

“I kn— that,” Puck says, rocking his hips faster and feeling his eyes widen a little. “That right there.” 

“I did it right?” Finn asks. He repeats the pressing, pushing movement. 

“Yeah, I don’t think you can do it more right,” Puck says as he nods, lifting his hips towards Finn. “I think now.” 

“You don’t want me to keep doing this?”

“Yeah, I want you to do that with your dick.” 

“Okay, okay!” Finn says, laughing. “If you’re sure, then I will.”

“I am sure,” Puck says as he laughs too. 

“Okay,” Finn says. He slowly pulls his fingers out of Puck, reaching for the lube and pouring a lot into his hand, then putting his hand on his dick. “I feel like I oughta tell you to, like, brace yourself or something!”

“Maybe _you_ need to take a deep breath,” Puck says, laughing again and leaning up, pulling Finn towards him with one hand. “Just kiss me and do it.” 

Finn kisses Puck, laughing against Puck’s mouth as the tip of his dick starts to slide in. As Finn pushes in deeper, he stops laughing, his face getting serious. Puck shifts his feet and his legs, changing the angle Finn’s at, and he nods. Finn keeps moving, stretching and filling Puck, and Puck realizes he’s holding his breath. 

“It’s good,” Puck says quietly after he exhales. “Keep going. Really good.” 

“Good,” Finn says. “Yeah, it’s— oh shit, Puck, you’re sure? It’s good, it’s really good, but you’re so _tight_.”

“I think you’re supposed to like that,” Puck says, grinning a little and rocking his hips up barely. “Yeah, it’s good. You’re… _everywhere_.”

“I like it, I just— I just— you’re sure it doesn’t hurt?”

Puck frowns and shakes his head. “Why would something good hurt?” 

“Okay. I love you,” Finn says, pulling back and then bringing his hips forward again. “You feel so awesome, and I love you so much.”

“You too,” Puck says, putting one leg over Finn’s legs. “You can… what do you want to do?” 

“I want to do this, what I’m doing right now,” Finn says, rolling his hips and pushing in deeper.

“Yeah, that’s good, you can go faster or whatever,” Puck says, grabbing at Finn’s shoulders and lifting his hips with Finn’s motions. “Fuck, more is good.” 

“Yeah, everything is good,” Finn says. He moves faster, running his hands over Puck’s arms and chest, up and down his thighs. 

“Keep going,” Puck says. “Just… don’t stop at all.” 

“Okay. I can probably do this forever,” Finn says. “Cool?”

“Yeah, definitely,” Puck says, wrapping his other leg around Finn and pulling Finn into a kiss. “I want to feel you.” 

Finn fucks Puck harder, kissing him with lots of tongue and his hands still moving over Puck’s body. Puck can hear both of them making noises, and he presses himself against Finn as much as he can. 

“Want you to come inside me.” 

“Good, ’cause I really can’t do this forever,” Finn says. His right hand slides down Puck’s chest, wrapping around Puck’s dick and starting to jerk him off. “You too, okay?”

“Yeah. I will. I love you,” Puck says, then kisses Finn. Finn starts to tremble, moving more erratically, moaning into Puck’s mouth. Puck kisses Finn more messily, his hands and legs tightening around Finn. Finn comes with a loud cry, holding Puck closer, hand between them, still jerking Puck off. 

Puck’s always thought the word indescribable is dumb, because how can you have something that you can’t describe? But that’s the word that floats through Puck’s mind as Finn is coming inside him and around him and above him, and he presses his face against Finn’s neck, trying to muffle the noise he knows he’s making as he comes for a second time. 

Finn doesn’t exactly collapse on top of Puck, so much as drape himself over him, so that almost all of Puck’s body is touching some part of Finn. Finn kisses the side of Puck’s face and ear. His arms wrap around Puck. 

“Thank you,” Finn murmurs against Puck’s ear. “I love you, Puck. Thank you for wanting this with me. Thank you for, you know. Trusting me.”

“Thank God you said something,” Puck says after a minute. He rubs his hands slowly up and down Finn’s sides. “Remember? You told me you weren’t ever going to say anything. That would have been awful.” 

“I’m sorry I lied to you, but I can’t be sorry I told my Mom,” Finn says. 

“Yeah. I love you. This is…” Puck trails off, thinking. “‘Good’ isn’t strong enough.” 

“I’m always gonna take care of you. I’m always gonna make sure you’re safe forever,” Finn says sleepily. “This is the best part of everything.”

“Yeah. Let’s just do like we said and do everything together,” Puck says, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath with his nose right against Finn.

“Mmhmm,” Finn agrees. 

“’Night, Finn,” Puck says softly. 

Finn curls more tightly around Puck and mumbles “Mmhmm.”

Puck smiles to himself, taking another deep breath and then listening to Finn’s steady breathing. Maybe Mr. Yoder’s right about a few things at least, because Puck does have a weird sense of accomplishment along with the rest of what he has to admit might be giddiness. Mr. Yoder could even be right that most people shouldn’t do what he and Finn are doing, but most people aren’t Puck and Finn, which is too bad for them, Puck thinks, but lucky for him. They’ll leave Lima after high school and have a pretty good life, and Puck knows he’s not cured or free or anything like that, and he thinks he’s cynical enough to realize he’ll never be able to totally ignore everything that’s happened to him, but his life is _better_ than he could have expected, so even with the cynicism, he’ll take that as a definite win. 

“Love you, Finn,” Puck whispers, letting his hands rest near Finn’s hips and the rest of his body relax. “I get the uneven Eggo in the morning.”


End file.
